Hello!

It's been... well, insane lately. Lemme start off by saying that I'm no longer working for the country club... wait, friday is actually my last day. THANK FUCKING GOD. I'm so ready to be done with the place, especially today when the head chef popped off at me. Seriously?? As of the 28th, I will be working for a major bank in the area at their main building - assisting with Truck Leasing and UCC filings. Awesome, more pay, better insurance and a chance to move up rather be stuck in a faltering company that will probably be sold off within the year.

I have also submitted two photography works to the 31st Juried Exhbition and I hope they will accept them for the awards ceremony. I won't find out until Sept. 29th if they will accept them. I entered "Afterglow" and "Gaia's (Middle) Finger" - good thing I left the "middle" part out as three old ladies were checking in my photographs. LOL

I also have submitted five works into the SB ArtBeat in the hopes of getting out there and also selling my work. If it doesn't sell, no worries. I know my tastes aren't like everyone. I submitted:
Tickets Please
Give and Take
Silhouette In Chrome
Seriously?

If you guys would like to see the work, you can go to: www.facebook.com and search: Life Through Lens
Now, of course, my fetish/dark/gothic photography is still in the mix but living in the bible belt and trying to get out into the artist community, I have to be... tame when I first start and that I can show the pictures I love to take. WOOT!

Well, I'm going to head to bed - I need to start to wake up at 6am now instead of 7am for the new position.

MAAAAANNNN.... people are so touchy sometimes. *GRINS*
Yet you must lurve the snark on the netz, though people tend to get their knickers in a twist when discussing someone's love life.

Blah Blah Blah... long story short. I made a comment on Evan Rachel Wood's love life (the fact she is dating that damn fine of a man who plays Eric on TB) and people deemed it has pathetic. LOL - okay, still... if they knew the diseases Manson carried then I would have drenched the boy in alcohol and put a human rubber on him before fucking the boy.
They think perhaps that is the why I loathe the chick. Not so, I loathe her for her shitty acting ability and her chameloen likeness in copying Dita Von Teese. Sorry, I love Dita... she has class and style and I think if ERW had style and class she wouldn't have agreed to dry fuck Manson in a video on Dita/Manson's marriage bed. JUST SAYIN'.

I hated Thirteen.
I disliked the parts she was in the movie Across The Universe. (EVERYONE was better then her.)
And sadly, how the writers have portrayed Sophie Anne in TB, well - let's just say being a slutty devaint whore is right up ERW's acting since she did so well in Thirteen.

I did love the comment from the chick who told me I must be ERW gyno - yep, well I replied with the fact ERW had to be roto-rooted after Manson was done with her. Seriously...

Yes, I'm being bitchy but that's the fun on the internet... where else can I be bitchy then the world wide web. Wait... does anyone even say that anymore?

I hate it when you wake up from a horrible dream and no one is there to comfort you. To tell you it wasn't real, to shush you back to sleep. These dreams come on every once in a while for me and this one... ranks up there with the dream of Mitch dying. It's so upsetting and it's bad when you hate yourself for what you did in a dream. In fact, I'm sitting here crying because I'm so upset.
The only thing I can say is that my dream veered and suddenly I was a part of the Firefly Family from House of 1000 corpses. I know it's just a dream but when you feel something for human life and you see yourself doing something - it hurts you. I can't get the imagery out of my head and I dont think I can go back to sleep. I woke up apologzing to nothing in the room and even now I feel horrible.
Even in the dream I knew it was wrong and I didnt want it to happen but it did... I didnt stop it. Fuck...

HEY ALL-

I put Cole into a local baby contest and we NEED votes. Please go to the link below, type in "Cole" for the name and hit search or scan down the "jump to" option for his name. Click on your rating (stars) and click submit. I would appreciate the help because we get a photo session and we are hoping to get a family portrait done. THANKS!


http://www.michiananewschannel.com/BabyContestVoting.aspx


Here is the picture we entered:







PLEASE PLEASE HELP!?!?
Love you all :)

Dear Me,

Some Advice: DON'T KICK YOUR BROTHER IN THE BALLS SO MUCH. YOU MIGHT HAVE MADE HIM STERILE.SERIOUSLY.

Thanks,
Adult Me

PS - Don't Quit College.

FUCK FUCK MUTHERFUCKING HELL GOD DAMNIT FUCKING BITCH FUCKER HATE BITCHES FUCKING FUCKER MOTHERFUCKER

Do you all remember last week my mom wanted to borrow 543.00. Not for her, no, for a friend of hers from the internet who was stranded in london, england because everything of his was stolen. This man, who she KNOWS OVER THE INTERNET for four/five years, got robbed in London ENGLAND. The man is from California, has a wife, blah blah blah - my mom isn't really close to him but they chat because... they both have parkinsons. So I asked her WHY did he need the $543.00. It's to settle up his hotel bill and get a cab to the airport. Ummmm... okay. Mind you, he contacted her over FACEBOOK.

I told her NO. I explained her to how I felt, that this sounded like a scam and you never know ANYONE when it comes to the internet. She asked me what was she suppose to tell him - I told her to tell him the truth, that I dont have the money. I told her NOT to give him any money what so ever because she doesnt have it. I told her to tell him to contact his credit card company and they will allow the charge to go through under these circumstances.

I spoke to her later and she told me that she wasnt mad at me and that she told him we didnt have the money. He told her to tell me he is a good christian and would give me $300.00 more for my troubles.I told her fuck that - I dont buy into it and it's fake.

So end of conversation.

Well yesterday, she called me flipping out her internet wasnt working and could i look on her paypal for monies due to her selling something on ebay. No money there, she seemed pissed about it and we didnt discuss it. Well, this morning she informs me SHE SENT THE MONEY TO THE GUY. And yes, it was a scam.

The real guy was still in California - not in England. The Real Guy felt so bad with what happened to her that he has now sent her the funds for her acct. I told her that while I wasn't going to say something about her actions, I was hurt she lied to me. She told me she didn't lie. I mentioned how I asked her later if she sent the money and she said no. Well, she explained, that I'm not always forthcoming in my mistakes.

WHA????

Then she explains to me she sent the money to him BEFORE she called me about the money. Then why did she call and ask me for the money??? Well, she said she was coming to her sense and wanted to hear what I thought but she wasnt going to take my money from me. BULLSHIT. BULL FUCKING SHIT.

So really, I have three children.

Mitch's family just arrived... as Mitch is telling me I don't pull my weight around the house.

Thanks, asshole.

Who pays the bills? Who goes grocery shopping? Who takes the boys to the doctors/dentists? Who makes all the appointments? Who usually does the laundry? OH, me... thats who you fucker.

He is pissed at me because I didn't "clean" today while I was off work with the boys. Oooh, well having one toddler screaming, throwing tantrums, feverish AND teething while the other toddler is doing everything he shouldn't be doing. That just makes it easy for me to work with chemicals around the house as I'm trying to clean. But hell, you cleaned and organized the basement. Bravo for you... you had my mother's help and mine when I WASNT WATCHING THE BOYS.

I swear I want to just smack him right now.... fucking men.

I love my mother, she is a great person. Sadly, she has parkinsons, diabetes & heart disease. I have always been there for her and in most rights, I'm the parent of our relationship.

So, here I am at home today - enjoying a day off with the boys before we are bombarded by house guests when I get a phone call:

Mom: Hunny? I have a request.
Me: Shoot...
Mom: I need $543.00 today but you will be paid back tomorrow.

Whoa? What did she say? Yep, she needed $543.00. Now, I would do anything to help my mom out so I thought she was in some trouble and found it strange she didn't ask to use my credit card. Finally, I got her to explain.

This man, who she KNOWS OVER THE INTERNET for four/five years, got robbed in London ENGLAND. The man is from California, has a wife, blah blah blah - my mom isn't really close to him but they chat because... they both have parkinsons. So I asked her WHY did he need the $543.00. It's to settle up his hotel bill and get a cab to the airport. Ummmm... okay.
1) She doesn't know this man well, rarely speaks to him and he lives in California... with his wife.
2) He needs the money ASAP because he is flying out in 3 hours.
3) He told her this over Facebook.
4) She told him SHE didn't have the money so he told her to ask ME for the money.
5) If I give him the money he will defintely pay me back tomorrow plus another $300.00 for my troubles.

DOES THIS SOUND FISHY TO ANYONE ELSE?!?!
I told her NO. I explained her to how I felt, that this sounded like a scam and you never know ANYONE when it comes to the internet. She asked me what was she suppose to tell him - I told her to tell him the truth, that I dont have the money. (And honestly, do you think Mitch would really go for that? FUCK NO - HELL NO!) I told her NOT to give him any money what so ever because she doesnt have it. I told her to tell him to contact his credit card company and they will allow the charge to go through under these circumstances. She has yet to call back.

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK PEOPLE?!?

Happy Canadian Day... okay, no I'm not canadian but I have my relatives up there so I'm quasi-canadian by blood. Sure... so I'm leaving you with some of my favorite Canadian Images today:

RUSH:



TRAILER PARK BOYS:



YETIS... YES, SERIOUSLY:

I'm so so tired and my bed is calling me.
Cole has some type of strep so he was up alot last night while I battled his fever, so now when they are both cozy in bed... I will be going to bed too. Yay.
I know Mitch's family is coming in on Thursday and I have housework to contend with but forget it. Though I have to go mow my mother's lawn tonight. (she has parkinson's / heart disease)

GAH I WANT SLEEP.

Tobie has been interested in tarot cards lately and purifying her house. I think it's cute but I'm not fully telling her how deep I am into paganism. That might be alittle too much information so... but I did give her the typical "how to purify your home" info.

Meh Meh... I have to go back to what I was doing. Mwauh.


We Started This Opra Shit -

I know I haven't written here in awhile... I'm really trying to be better about it. Just with having two young boys, trying to do photography, help my mother out, deal with the drama at work and so on... I tend to not write much. I'm trying though, in those quirky off moments i think it would be great to write something down.

For those just joining the log - I'm weird. I'm weird, strange, kooky, wacky. I'm also cyncial, bitchy, opinionated and downright stubborn. However, I'm also VERY open minded.

1) The boys are doing great. Though I secretly fear Zane has ADHD after hearing Brett (jerk) say it once as Zane was running around. Needless to say, I have been trying to get me to stop thinking thing.. .though my mom decided to tell me she was diagnosed with it at age 38. Thank Mom!
Cole is a down right brute. The boy is built for sport, that's for sure. He has so many bruises and bumps on his poor lil frame due to bumping into everything as he learns to walk/run. They both are thriving though and Zane is excited his Aunt & family are coming on the 4th for a visit (Mitch's family.)

2) Fuck, yes... photography. I'm trying to figure out a name for my "business" but I want to incorporate ZombieBunny into it. How can you do that and also not have people run screaming from your business? You can't. Living in the midwest - you dont get to do alot of weird photography so that means travel, which means money... something I don't readily have much of. LOL. Either way, I'm working on it - if people are interested, I will post stuff here but in the past I haven't had a huge outcry for it so...
I did try to make it to the Chicago Zombie Lurch... till my quasi-friend decided she didn't want to stay and we had to leave. Thanks!

3)My mom is doing good. It's the same ol' same ol'. Life is horrible one day and good the next. With her bi-polar tendencies, it can make things alittle hard. She and I are going to head to a balloon launch in July so that will be a fun, small trip for us.

4)Work. Wow.
Let's see: the F&B manager has been released because we "can't afford it" but honestly, she wrote her own dismissal notice when she wouldn't do her job right. Another employee has been accused of sexually harrassing and sexually assaulting another employee (the victim is actually the former F&B Manager's daughter). It's insane here... I think they need to set this place on fire and watch is burn to the ground.

Okay, that's it for now. I'm not suppose to be writing while I'm here so... yeah, I will write more soon.

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will post the answers to the questions (and the questions themselves) on your blog or journal.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. And thus the endless cycle of the meme goes on and on and on and on...


DO IT NOW!

Last weekend we had begun to clean out the basement for the arrival of guests on the 4th of July weekend.
Mitch found a few old pictures of me when I was... oh, about ten years younger.
I was small, a size 5- cute and small.
Fuck...

As I type this I let my feelings get the better of me and have begun an affair with a snickers bar.


... to be that small again. ~Le Sigh~





For those who say, "YOU CAN!!!" Shut It.
I would have to buy a big bag of cocaine and hole myself up in a room for a month.

Yet, I am working out so I'm not having that big of a pity party.

Even now I still go to a journal of an ex-friend to see if there is even a glimmer of an entry I can read. Yet, when I do read the things they have been up to (those not locked to the public eye) - I can't help but sneer in disgust at how I was played a fool and how stupidly pretenious they are.

I still have the urge to smash their face in the dirt.

So this weekend I asked Mitch yet again ... why did he pull out more money on our account for shit we didn't need. He called me neurotic about money and it has stung ever since. It was brought up Sunday with Nickie here who only made fun of it, saying it's why they love me.

FUCK THAT.

I then brought it up to him again tonight and told me while he is quick to tell me I'm paranoid, neurotic and I worry way too much... he cannot tell me why he loves me. Just say, he does. He mentioned all the times he told me I was beautiful (only when I down my looks) and that I was sexy (gee, when we are fucking) and smart, which he has never said. NEVER. He has told me that I like different intelligent things than he and his friends, but that was it. He also told me that he has said I'm talented. I told him no, saying that "you are good at photography" is not saying one is talented. You can say I'm good at writing my name, but does that mean I have talent?
Well, conversation ended and he walked out of the room to make dinner for everyone. Okay... well, thanks for that pep talk.

I told them that if they went through what I did as a kid they would be paranoid and neurotic too. They would worry about money like I do - but to them, I didn't go through shit. They keep telling me to "just stop" worrying and all that jazz but I dont see anyone giving tips on how to stop. It's not easy, I have done it since I was a child - it's like telling me to stop breating. It's an addiction and he... just shrugs it off. Gee, I wish my life was just so blaise I couldn't give a fuck what tomorrow will bring.

So his whole game now is to ignore it until I just let it go. I told him I didn't want to call a doctor on a second opinion for Zane's "rash" because I don't want to be seen as neurotic.

Eh, feeling alittle jealous and alittle sad right now. I cant go into great detail over it because it would ruin it for someone close to me. I just never realized that a couple of my friends were closer than I expected and while, I'm cool with it - I can't help but feel alittle out of place and especially this sensation of being a "tag-a-long" now. I am even giving more consideration now about cancelling my plans I made with them.

I dont know. I didn't think it would hurt and yet it does because I feel I'm second best. Heh, I just feel hurt even though I know it wasn't their goal - far from it.

I hear a bag of cookies calling my name. If I don't get away from the computer I will download a bunch of songs. When I'm upset/sad I start to shop... hehe - maybe in a few weeks I can discuss this more in depth. All I can say is my friends are lucky to have each other. Moments like this make me want to slink back into my corner, into my shadows.

Fuck, do I cancel my plans or just go with it? Now I wonder if my one friend invited along the other friend for this weekend because I wanted to see them... or they wanted to see them.

Meh.

So I'm hyped up on caffiene right now. It's been a month... I dontk now where to really start. heh...

Work:
OMG - the insanity. The secretary was removed from the club today because of some things that are reminancent of the last office manager. Why do people seek the need to skim the tills? Either way - all locks were changed and passwords to the security were revamped by moi. I'm working for about $12.50 an hour now... not too bad and Tobie is a doll to give me said raises. I need them honestly. The club's membership is taking a bit of a nosedive but I think we will float if not flounder here and there.
The 1st Source position is a no go I think. I last spoke to the manager about a month ago who told me he would have an answer by this month. I have called him twice and he hasn't bothered to respond. Needless to say his number will be finding it's way into the garbage this weekend.

Home:
Pretty good I would think. Nothing too serious going on with Mitch, the boys and/or I. I have to clean this house though... it's like the mess never stops growing and growing and growing. As I said Zane is out of school and while he is starting to act up here and there, I notice it's when gee no one is paying any attention to him. He is an attention hog! LOL ... so we are working with that.

Finances:
Mmm alright, I can't say I'm too happy. Needless to say in the past 13 years I have racked up 15,000.00 in credit card debit. Yes yes, I'm a horrible person and I hate myself. It's not the greatest and no, I'm not happy about it. Well Chase has decided to up the apr rates of ALL THEIR CREDIT CARDS. Nice, really fucking nice. So I'm going to do a balance trans from one credit card to the other because a balance trans will stay at the same percentage rate. Anyone else have any savy ideas?
I have to get my car fixed. We debated purchasing a new one but I think right now another bill onto the stack isn't needed so... Next week I'm taking it in for $230.00 worth of work. I may cut it down a bit more... and I also have Mitch's life ins. policy of $250.00... ugh. yeah. I'm seriously debating about giving plasma.

Friends:
1) I'm going to Florida in May. Yeah I know, I'm bitching about finances and yet I'm going to Florida? Well, I bought the ticket before the shit hit the fan so shush! And it's non-refundable. At least I'm not going to get my tattoo while I'm down there! Jon and Anthony invited me down and so I will go - though it will be horrible being away from my boys. I'm also going to try sushi for the first time... luckily the restuarant carries other items too.
2) I'm sure you all know the Rod Drama. If not, read on in past entries... mostly I'm a horrible person because I supposedly knew my ex friends ex wife was cheating on him. Mind you, he just brought this up... 13 years later. Well, he is NOW playing Vampire with the group I play with every other weekend. And to top it off, the GM decided to introduce his character into a mission scene I was doing (stealing important papers) and guess what? He decided he was going to fuck my character over. What a shocker!!! I'm still debating about whether I will continue or not.

Im seriously upset about my finances... luckily, Mitch is saving money in his personal checking account and so am I... well, not now but... LOL. If anyone does have any savy ideas - throw them my way.

Yes, I watch America's Next Top Model...

And I have to say alot of the women they brought on where so ghettofied. Seriously... there was even a freaking cat fight in the first hour with these girls being all hoochie like and putting their hands in each others faces. Fighting has changed since my day because we would just jump each other and beat the crap out of each other. There was no hands in the face, no insults - just punch punchy punch.

Seriously, the episode reminded me of J-Rock:

So when I go visit Jon & Anthony is Tampa...in MAY!!!!

I'm thinking about getting a new tattoo on my back - a phrase:


I Am Surrendering To Gravity & The Unknown



What do you think? What type of font should I use? Where should I place it seeing I have the following tat's on my back:







I want to put a collage of Sylvia Ji's work in the middle of my back, this is her site:

http://www.sylviaji.com/